Fun Archive 1998

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FUN - 2 Cow Philosophies

Various organizational philosophies explained in terms of two cows:
  
Socialism: 
You have two cows. 
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
  
Communism: 
You have two cows. 
The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
  
Fascism: 
You have two cows. 
The government takes them both and sells you the milk.
  
Nazism: 
You have two cows. 
The government takes them both and shoots you.
  
Bureaucracy: 
You have two cows. 
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.
   
Capitalism: 
You have two cows. 
You sell one and buy a bull.
  
Novell:
You have two cows. 
You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

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FUN - Actual Business Signs

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are  on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the 
dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way 
to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you  coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help!  We need inn-experienced people."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.  However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:  "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing wise is 
optional."

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FUN - Attorney's Fees

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice:  one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney.

"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world.  So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it.
At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world."  The three agreed.

A few weeks later, he was dead.  At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket.  Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer.  "I have a confession," he said.  "This year has been quite bad for the clinic.  My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it.  I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."

As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too.  The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used
it to feed and clothe them."  The attorney was beside himself.  "I am disgusted.  Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request.  How could you two break that trust
and go against his wishes?"  The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?" 

"I would never!" replied the attorney.  "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!"

Submitted by: rathbun @ utexas.edu

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FUN - Camping Alert

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please  note the following public service announcement:

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing  when hiking in bear country.  The bells warn away MOST bears.

Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying  particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.

One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

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FUN - Clarification of Corp. Lingo
 
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"  We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
 
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"  We have no time to train you.
 
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
 
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"  You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
 
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"  Some time each night and some time each weekend.
 
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
 
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"  We have no quality control.
 
"CAREER-MINDED:"  Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
 
"APPLY IN PERSON:"  If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the  position has been filled.
 
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"  We've filled the job; our call for resumes  is just a legal formality.
 
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"  You'll need  it to replace three people who just left.
 
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"  You're walking into a company in  perpetual chaos.
 
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"  You'll have the responsibilities  of a manager, without the pay or respect.
 
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"  Management communicates, you listen,  figure out what they want and do it.

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FUN - Clarification of Corp. Lingo
 
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"  We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
 
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"  We have no time to train you.
 
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
 
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"  You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
 
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"  Some time each night and some time each weekend.
 
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
 
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"  We have no quality control.
 
"CAREER-MINDED:"  Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
 
"APPLY IN PERSON:"  If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the  position has been filled.
 
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"  We've filled the job; our call for resumes  is just a legal formality.
 
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"  You'll need  it to replace three people who just left.
 
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"  You're walking into a company in  perpetual chaos.
 
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"  You'll have the responsibilities  of a manager, without the pay or respect.
 
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"  Management communicates, you listen,  figure out what they want and do it.

========================
FUN - Computer Industry Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding
of Mathematics

WWW - World Wide Wait

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

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FUN - Darwin Awards 1997-1

The Darwin Award is made each year to the person who has managed to kill himself (and therefore prevent the survival of their genes - hence, Darwin!) in the most bizarre way imaginable. Previous winners have included the man killed when the vending machine he was trying to extract a can of Coke from fell on him.
 
The Nominations

#1- [AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA]
A San Anselmo man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad,authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident
occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
called  Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.  It has since been discovered that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

 #2 - [AP, St. Louis, MO]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

#3 - [UPI, Spain]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

#4 - [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.  Jerry Stromyer, 24,  of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday  night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.  "Another man had
it in an aquarium, hooked  to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't  go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."  "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips,"
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.  "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

#5 - [UPI, Portland, OR]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will  be released soon  from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye  last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off  his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.  Doctors said had through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of  his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.  Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.  Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."  No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

#6 - [AP, Arkansas]
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store.  She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.  When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." 

Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store
officials called the paramedics.  They had to break into the car because the  door was locked.  When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car making a loud  explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached  back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!

#7 - From a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan, USA. A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the  lakes are frozen.

These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and, of course, the new vehicle.  They drive out onto  the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural  landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.  In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land  on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.  Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee  comes a stick
of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now these two  Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand 
Cherokee) are standing, they take the risk of slipping on the ice  
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw  the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?  Yes, the dog: A highly trained  Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog 
takes off at a high rate of doggy speed  on the  ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits  the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder 
what to do now.

The dog,  cheered on, keeps coming.  One of the  guys grabs the shotgun and shoots  the dog.  The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot,  hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.   The dog stops for a  moment, slightly confused but continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused & of course scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
He takes off to find cover, (with the  now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.

BOOM !  Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits  and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their  faces.

The insurance  company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.  He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.

AND THE WINNER IS ...........

John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.

The  two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal--to hop over, and then assist his  friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop  on  the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife  and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.  When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now, being without 
his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly  branch penetrating  is rectal cavity.

To  make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety.  However, weighing about 100 pounds
less, he decided the best  course  of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse.

In his drunken state, Sal put the truck  into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on, and killing, his friend. Sal was thrown  from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene.

Police  arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half-naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair  of shorts dangling
from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

========================
FUN - Employee Performance

My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and this is what I wrote:

1.  Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2.  hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3.  wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4.  thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5.  finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6.  measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7.  breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8.  vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9.  knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

S.D. - Project Leader

Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note:

That bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment.

Regards,
S.D.

<http://www.funnytown.com/jokecentral/>

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FUN - Humorous Bumper Stickers (1)

"Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal."

"All generalizations are false."

"Horn broken. Watch for finger."

"Caution:  I drive like you do"

"Keep honking...I'm reloading."

"How's My Driving?
www.byte.me.com"

"Bill Clinton, The Lying King."

"If a man is by himself in a forest, and he speaks, is he still wrong?"

"Bad cop, no donut."

"Huked on foniks wurked for me."

"We are the people our parents warned us about."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happing at once."

"I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

"REHAB is for quitters."

"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

"E. Coli Happens."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician."

"If jerks could fly, this place would be an airport."

"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. . . ."

"Tow-ers will be violated."

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."

"Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!"

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight!"

"No Radio - Already Stolen."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Assassins do it from behind!"

"Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

"LAWYER: Cat settles a dispute between 2 mice"

"LAWYER: A person whose job is to protect their client from other members of their profession."

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what other have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering . . ."

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms."

"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking."

"Save water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter."

"Forget about world peace. . . . .Visualize using your turn signal!"

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"I souport publik edekasion."

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . . ."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' . . . till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 3D 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

"I is a college student."

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"Eschew obfuscation."

"God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

========================
FUN - On Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his  watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.  Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."  The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

========================
FUN - Oxymorons

OXYMORONS:
Acure dullness
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Almost exactly
Almost perfect
Alone together
Bad health
Bittersweet
Blameless culprit
British fashion
Business ethics
Butt Head
Cardinal sin
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Conservative liberal
Constant variable
Definite maybe
Deliberately thoughtless
Diet ice cream
Divorce court
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extensive briefing
Extinct Life
Fish farm
Found missing
Freezer burn
Friendly takeover
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Holy war
Home office
Idiot savant
Instant classic
Intense apathy
Jumbo shrimp
Justifiably paranoid
Larger half
Least favorable
Legally drunk
Linear curve
Liquid gas
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Mild interest
Military Intelligence
Minor miracle
Modern history
New York culture
New classic
Nonalcoholic beer
Nondairy creamer
Normal deviation
"Now, then ..."
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
original copies
Passive aggression
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Player coach
Political science
Pretty ugly
Qualified success
Rap music
Randomly organized
Real potential
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Rock opera
Rolling stop
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Silent scream
Simply superb
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Tragic comedy
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Unbiased opinion
Uncrowned king
Unsung hero
Vaguely aware
War games
Working vacation

========================
FUN - Prison vs. Work

1.In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

2.In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

3.In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

4.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

5.In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

6.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

7.In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

8.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

9.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.  At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

10.In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.  At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

11.In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. 

========================
FUN - Quotes from Offices

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these
meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was
going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale
improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to
get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's
unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a
protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered
from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself.  My
new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He
walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit
of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he
created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the
impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the
outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern
this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that
position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

========================
FUN - Star Trek Future
According to Scott Adams

Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997.
Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
........................................................


There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister. Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

 Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
 Me: May I touch that?
 Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has beenattached to my body for six hundred years.
 Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let mehave sex with it.
 Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible. 

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.
Officer:Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most. I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long. I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can...

So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg. The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.

Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with. I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

 Shopping with Shields Up
 Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
 Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
 Me: Try it. My shields are up.
 Saleswoman: Damn!
 Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
 Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
 Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident. 'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!' And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

.........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997.
Please keep this notice with the text.

========================
FUN - Thank God!

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.  One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.  Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.  The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.  Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.  On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse.  He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"  The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.  You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."  So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.  Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.  Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.      

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.  "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"  Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.  The man leans back  in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

========================
FUN - The Evolution of Mathematics

SUBJECT: THE EVOLUTION OF MATHEMATICS TRAINING OVER THE PAST FIFTY YEARS

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price or $80.  What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100.  Each element is worth one dollar.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:  What is the
cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:  How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100.  How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers.  The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back.  The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had
three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.  The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and
gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people and is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

========================
FUN - The IDIOT TEST

Scoring: 
21 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

=======================

Questions:

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?

6. How many outs are there in an inning?

7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?

8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.

9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?

11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?

14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

20. What was the President's name in 1950? 

=======================

ANSWERS:

1. yes (they also have a 3rd of july, a 2nd of july, etc...)

2. one a year

3. all months have (at least) 28 days

4. the begger is the woman's sister

5. because he is living

6. 6 (3 per side)

7. no. the man would be dead

8. they are not playing each other

9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60)

10. white. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole)

11. 2 (you just took 2 apples)

12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickle (one is not a nickel, but the other one is)

13. light the match first

14. half way (then he would be running out)

15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour)

16. 9 (all but 9 die...)

17. none. Moses was not on the ark

18. he weighs meat

19. 12

20. Bill Clinton 
=======================

adapted by Steffen Strayer
sstrayer@aol.com

========================
